Thursday, 5 May 2005

Just Give Us Your Fucking Money

Make talentless wankers history

Lately it seems that every time I turn on my television set, that fat, useless, Irish wanker, Dildo, is there, snapping his fingers. This is, apparently, something to do with a charity called "make poverty history", an organisation that aggressively promotes capitalism over indigenous lifestyles in third world countries. I have never figured out what the finger clicking is about, I just watch long enough to realise that Dildo has absolutely no sense of timing whatsoever.

This advert is one of a plethora of charity ads currently doing the rounds. They usually consist of some terrible scene of torture with a lugubrious voice over saying.

"See this, this is all your fault this is. You are doing this to this poor child/animal/third world county. This is happening because you wont give us your fucking money. That's right. This child/animal/third world country is being tortured because you spent your hard earned cash on a well deserved holiday instead of giving it to us, you bastard. Just because you spend sixty hours a week working in a shitty cubicle farm in conditions that a battery farmed pig would not put up with, does not give you the right to spend your own money on yourself. This is your fault, so give us your fucking money."

Usually voiced by some "personality" who has more money than you will ever see in your entire working life.

Bad enough that someone of absolutely infinitesimal talent has a colossal amount of money. At least I avoided contributing to that by not buying their shit CDs. He is now on my television, which I have to pay to watch, listening to him tell me how good capitalism is for the third world. Because if you think for one minute that some local warlord or drug cartel is not going to exploit "fair trade" for their own capital gain, then you are even more stupid than I think you are. For reference, I already think you are pretty damn stupid. European farming practises are not suitable for the plains of central Africa, you only have to see the damage caused to the local ecosystem by the sinking of a single well to realise that. The water taken from the well is great for the local, non nomadic, villagers and their livestock. But totally shit for the wildlife and the indigenous nomadic people who used to rely on having a decent water table.

Now, to top it all, I am one of the worlds poor, having eventually been laid off. Good. It was a shit company and I wanted a break anyway. In a classic piece of management cock up, the redundancy notices were handed out on a Friday. This Friday, however, was the first of April traditionally called April Fool's day. Some of the drones who were getting the chop thought it was a joke and were confused, others upset, or, like me after finding out it was not a joke, elated. Either way we all reacted in the same manner and trashed the place. The money saved from giving us the shove will be spent on rebuilding the majority of the office block that we managed to destroy. A few managers will be on extended sick leave, recovering in traction after having their shit totally ruined. I am thinking of starting a charity to help keep up the payments on my mortgage. All I need is to get hold of some media personality. I do not care if he is willing to give up his time and effort to aid the cause. If they are so passionate about it, let them give up their money, ALL of it. Sell the jets, the houses and the limo's and go back to living on a council estate with nothing to keep them warm but their total lack of talent. And get off my fucking television.