Tuesday, 17 August 2010

woo high five dude

So what, exactly, does the iBollocks do?

I always prefer a desk next to the window, but that is not an option at this new place, stuck as I am in a windowless cell. Not much of an improvement over my last lodgings, and that was a lunatic asylum. Yes, once again I allowed myself to be captured, (note: when paying a 200kg woman for sex, do not let her fall asleep on top of you). I managed to escape and secure employment. I have resolved the National Insurance Number issues by becoming a contractor. By the time they have figured out who I am not, I have finished the project and moved onto the next one. Everybody happy. By that I mean, I am happy and that is all that is important.

I had the choice of stealing the identity of some poor schlep with a dead end job or a that of a multi-millionaire playboy with a string of bendy escorts all experts in bonkers tantric sex. The choice was easy, the schlep. Otherwise I would have ended up with an iPad and that is such a catastrophic piece of shit it would have made being incarcerated in the deepest dungeon of the 'Residence Of The Pathologically Atypical' a paradise on earth. The iPad does not even have a keyboard. Like all people who's knuckles do not quite scrape  along the ground when stood upright (if I stand on my toes), I can touch type. I am, however, completely unable to touch type on a keyboard that has no locators under the f and j keys. 'It is great for video' whines the Steve Job lick-spittles, well not as good as my 40” high definition LED television it isn't. And the quality of youtube is so low you may as well as watch it on a mobile that only has a text display, because that is as good as it gets. 'It has apps.' So fucking what. That is like saying a bridge has an alimentary canal, absolutely no use whatsoever and not used by anybody. 'It connects to iTunes.' Pause.

And so we come to the crux of the problem. There is a perfectly dreadful show on the terrestrial television channel which shows pornography that is presented by a bunch of media types. In their utterly fatuous and moronic way they discuss the merits of electrical single use items, or gadgets as they call them. They pull out the latest mp3 player and start to waffle on about how cool or convenient or pretty or small or easy to use it is. Unless it is made by Apple, in which case they will just start to foam at the mouth, have eye popping spasmodic orgasms and try and have sex with it. They even pretend they enjoy it. The single criterion they should be discussing is the one they never even mention. What is the quality of the sound it produces? Because those little bits of shit that have to be shoved into your ears are going to have to compete with my five way, bass re-flexed, ceramic tweeted, floor standing speakers. Not only do they cause at least the same amount of damage to your ears as the inserts, the speakers can also liquidise your insides. Which is as much fun as it sounds.

They never bother to mention that because they think the only source of music is iTunes, which has exactly the same output quality as old fashioned medium wave radio. Some brainless bint, who only has the gig because she is sleeping with the producer, stands there telling me I can replace my eye wateringly expensive Hi-Fi with some piece of shit that sounds like it belongs in a 1970's Ford Cortina. I do not want my music convenient, or cool, or edgy, or hip, or strapped to my arse as I work out in a gym. There is only one thing I want my music to be, and that is good. I do not listen to music to make a 'statement' or be fashionable. I listen to music for my own aesthetic pleasure. If other people like, dislike, disapprove or are even offended by my taste in music that is just fine. That is their right, welcome to freedom of speech.

Personally I could not give a flying fornication what anybody thinks my taste in music is. In the same way I do not care how 'cool' the iPad is. It makes claim to be a computer, does it do computer stuff? The answer is no, with the caveat you are going to pay the price of a desktop to not do it. I spend all day working with computers and all evening deriving pleasure via my own computer. Whether that invloves playing games, downloading pornography or writing this junk all of them involve a keyboard. I need to use said keyboard without looking at it, hence tactile keys with bits sticking out of the f and j. I will admit my netbook is not as efficient as an iPad when it comes to whooping like a castrated howler monkey and high five-ing perfect strangers. But there again, I bought my netbook to process my words, not ruin my shit.